Friday, March 12, 2010

God Bless Them Texans!

Hear this! Texas is the wave of the future as the future is flushed down the crapper. A wag once said that if you talk to God, you’re praying; if God talks to you, you’re schizophrenic. That’s wrong! If God talks to you, you’re Texan.

And God’s been talking Texas’s ear off. We know this because, according to The New York Times the Texas board of education is bringing God back into the classroom. Yessir! They’re sick and tired of all those postmodern, deconstructionist, latte-sucking, abortion-loving, and undoubtedly gay, revisionist historians who have frozen him out of American history.

And they’re even madder over how the Republican Party, God’s party, has been left on the cutting room floor. Hell, everyone who counts knows our forefathers were all card-carrying Republicans who never left home with out their bibles. When Jefferson wrote “All men are created equal…”, the “man” he was talking about was a pious Christian, Republican landowner. None others need apply.

Listen to what those good Christians want to do to:

--Set things straight about the civil rights movement, pointing out that the movement created “unrealistic expectations of equal outcomes.”

--Include Phyllis Schlafly as a heroine of the conservative resurgence of the 1980s.

--Eliminate any “reference to race, sex or religion in talking about how different groups have contributed to the national identity.”

-- Ralph Nader and Ross Perot are to be dumped down the memory hole.

--Stonewall Jackson will be celebrated as a leadership role model.

--Stop calling it imperialism and start calling it expansionism, also known as bringing Jesus to the world.

Brings tears to your eyes, doesn’t it.

If the board approves the proposed guidelines, the perfume of a conservative fart could well spread over the land because Texas is the biggest buyer of textbooks in the country, so the revised history book Texas wants could end up in every classroom in America since it would cut into publishers’ bottom line to publish one set of textbooks for Texas and another set for the heathens.

And that’s fine with me! God gave us the goddamn country, so it’s only right that he should take center stage in our school textbooks. I mean, how in the hell can you run an efficient multinational without God’s terrible swift sword clearing the way for you. America would not be the military powerhouse it is today were it not for God blessing us with the finest military weapons money can buy.

Who else but God is sucking all the money to the top of the pyramid where he showers it on His chosen ones? Wealth is a sign that God is pleased with you; poverty is a sign that he’s pissed. Let us now praise the chosen by giving them centers stage in our nation’s history books.

For too long a White, male-dominated Protestant church has been marginalized. It’s high time Jesus took up the American flag and led us all into a golden age of theocratic oppression. We’ll be all the happier for it.


  1. That Times piece woke me up as well. I never knew they held that much power. If my child comes home with a textbook that claims the Earth is 10,000 years old... two words come to mind: HOME SCHOOL! (God will forgive me if I get dressed up and go to church on Christmas)


  2. Jopnathan,

    Don't bother getting dressed up. Just kill a heathen. That works just as well.


  3. Christmas?
    Don't bother with any of the second half part of the bible, especially the stuff written in the red font.
    Anything mentioning "the least of you" should be ripped out of the book.
    Stick to the 1st half angry vengeance eye for an eye god part of the bible and you'll be fine in Texas.
    They can't get enough of that old timer part of the Bible down there.