Wednesday, March 24, 2010

"Fiscal Responsibility"

“Fiscal Responsibility!” How the word tinkles across my teeth, tap dances over my enamels until it kick-steps its way past my lips, to hang in the air, a toxic little gem glistening in the noonday sun of a dying day. What a precious little buzz word being repeated over and over until it bores itself into the public’s psyche like the little shard of the truth it isn’t.

Make no mistake about it, this innocent sounding phrase hides a multitude of sins. To think the poor, deluded public thought “structural adjustments” were something that only happened to Third World countries. Well, Mr. and Mrs. America, welcome to the Third World. The Social Security Trust Fund is opening her legs while giving Wall Street a come-hither look. And Wall Street is hot to come.

But when you stop and think about it, the opportunities embedded in “Fiscal Responsibility” are endless. Here is a golden opportunity to completely reshape the face of America. And rest assured, the corporate subsidiary we call the United States Congress is prepared to do just that.

One area that simply cries out for creative cost cutting is our criminal justice system. The country spends billions of dollars each year in the investigation and prosecution of criminal activity. It is a flawed system, flawed only because it cannot spring into action until a crime has been committed. How stupid is that? The damage has already been done, the victim is robbed or dead, the home broken into, and we have a system that waits until the crime’s been committed before gets off its ass to do something about it. This is not a cost-effective way to do things.

Thank God for Sen. John “He-Should-Have-Been –President” McCain who has introduced the “Enemy Belligerent, Interrogation, Detention and Prosecution Act of 2010” ( S.3081). With the passage of this bill, America will see a substantial cut in the cost of administering our criminal justice system. Why? Because the bill gives the president the power to imprison anyone he wants to. All he has to do is designate them as “terrorist suspects” and it’s off to the slammer. And they can be detained in military custody as long as unspecified hostilities continue. There will be no more waiting around until the crime is committed. Lock ‘em up before they get out of hand, that’s the new order of things.

Think of all the money that will be saved. No costly investigations, no expensive prosecution, no lengthy trials, no perps walking because of a legal technicality. It’s a utopian scheme guaranteed to clear the streets of the low-life scum that have turned America into an urban jungle.

However, criminal justice is not the only area ripe for some creative cost cutting. With the passage of healthcare reform a whole new vista opens before us as American ingenuity rises to meet the challenge. I see a day when the impotent male will be able to conquer his erectile dysfunction for pennies thanks to the Obama ED Kit: two tongue depressors and a roll of duct tape. Fear not, ladies! According to Cosmo, a well-placed splinter can send a woman’s orgasm off the charts. And men! Afterglow takes on a deeper meaning when you go down on your beloved with a flashlight and a pair of tweezers.

Yes, the possibilities are endless as America enters an age of piety, poverty and humility. Here we see the free market at its finest as it leads the American in a race to the bottom where true economic efficiency resides.

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