Monday, March 29, 2010

Dirty Dancing with the Dispensationalists

I have a thing for farce, chaos and decay. Once the controlled substances saturated my brain, I need a madness against which I can feel normal again.

This is why I find the rapture so attractive. The idea of naked Christians being beamed up to heaven appeals to me. Not that I give a shit about Christians or God, but the thought of being belly to belly with a naked Christian wench while heaven-bound is a powerful argument for conversion. Not that conversion is necessary since the Bible doesn’t say shit about the rapture. Nope! It’s pure invention.

The Rapture is part of a doctrine known as Dispensationalism that was the creation of a 19th Century English clergyman by the name of John Nelson Darby. Darby divided biblical history into a series of “dispensations,” or eras. Each dispensation describes a different manner in which God relates to Man. These dispensations, or eras, were:

• Adam’s fall—The eviction notice
• Adam to Noah—Mankind takes a bath.
• Noah to Abraham—God draws up a contract, in triplicate.
• Abraham to Moses—A real estate deal for all of eternity.
• Moses to Christ—All is forgiven, provided…
• Grace—the contemporary church spreading the Word with rack n’ ruin.

This all climaxed with the grand finale: the Millennial Kingdom that would be ushered in by the Rapture, which would be followed by seven years of Tribulation during which 144,000 Jews would accept Jesus Christ as their personal savior. (As for the others? Let’s not go there.) The tribulation would climax with Christ’s return to establish a thousand-year kingdom on earth.

To many devout Christians, Dispensationalism is the corner stone of our policy in the Middle East. Dispensationalists believe the more fucked-up the Middle East is, the closer history moves towards the Rapture. America’s foreign policy is a dispensationalist’s dream come true. We have the Middle East so screwed up Jesus simply has to start beaming people up.

So, get yourself ready naked Christian wench. Your Belacqua is hot to meet his God in your embrace.


  1. This is great stuff. I just read the four most recent essays. I sorely miss Hunter Thompson's black humor and commentary. Tell me, does your sardonic smirk get in the way of sipping coffee?

  2. That's why it's always dribbling down my chin. Burns like hell!