Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Blowing Bubbles and Smoke While Saving Social Security

Where Jesus walked on water, our economy walks on bubbles. This shows that both God and greed generate miracles.

Our current meltdown in nothing more than an economy transitioning between bubbles. As long as the Fed’s printing presses work overtime, we will have enough liquidity to inflate the next bubble that comes down the pike. The credit crunch simply shows that fear is the only emotion that can trump greed. But, fear has weak legs for as soon as the next bubble begins to rise in the east like the Star of Bethlehem, greed will return and send fear packing.

It is axiomatic that the more liquidity that is available, the more a bubble can be pumped up. Liquidity is to a bubble what steroids are to professional sports.

Our oligarchs have been circling a sea of liquidity like vultures circling a rotting carcass. I am speaking, or course, of the Social Security Trust Fund. The billions of dollars that sit in that fund that would better serve America if Wall Street were allowed to burn it in its Furnace of Financial Fantasy.

They have found that a direct frontal assault on the fund won’t work. You’ve got too many senior citizens out there who have turned into dependent leeches that are depriving Wall Street of its liquidity fix.

This means we need a long-term approach that will finance future bubbles after the next generation of bubbles pop.

The solution to this problem is simple: reposition smoking.

Let Obama begin the campaign with a major policy speech before the American Medical Association. Let him reaffirm his commitment to a healthy American public, and announce a major administration initiative to combat the ravages of smoking. The first shot fired in this campaign will be the convening of a blue ribbon panel of scientists who will be charged with the mission of determing exactly why cigarettes cause the health problems they do. (Load the panel with those scientists who deny evolution and global warming.)

Six months later, they issue a report that says, in essence, “Silly us! All this time we thought tobacco was the problem. Now it turns out that the real problem is the cigarette paper, which contains a major carcinogenic, and we’ve figured out how to eliminate it. We have also discovered, much to our surprise, that tobacco is a health benefit. After all, tobacco is an herb and everyone knows that herbs are good for you. But there’s more! We’ve also discovered that you maximize tobacco’s health benefits if smoking is started before the onset of puberty.”

Then the administration moves to step two, a major campaign whose slogan is, “A Butt Can in Every Classroom.” We’ve got to get those little tykes puffing away. Elementary school smoking must become the wave of the future.

The goal is simple: once we get the average life expectancy down to 52.3 years, Wall Street owns the Trust Fund and can generate so many bubbles that the NYSE will look like the old Laurence Welk Show.


  1. Hey, I'm more than willing to lower my life expectancy to 52.3 years and smoke like a chimney as long as I have the guarantee that the Wall Street and corpo© oligarchs continue to get rich off the bubble.
    And does it matter if the Social Security trust fund is raided like a piggy bank by the little Johnnies who want their new bubble and want it now?
    After 30 years now that trickle-down should start trickling any day now!

  2. The only thing that is trickling down is the urine of the rich.

  3. Too funny! I say: "Free Chewing Tobacco" and spitoons for grades 1 thru 6, then graduation ceremonies that include Hukha parties! No more toxic paper! Evolution?... what's that? :)

    I Can see the Obama children sucking on Honey-Bear Bongs right now! What a great pitch!

    You're a genious!

  4. When will a cigar be a cigar for a little boy?